


Heart in the Dark

by koi_choshi



Series: Heart [2]
Category: AKB48
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Drama, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 21:53:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10705878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koi_choshi/pseuds/koi_choshi
Summary: When Sae got into an accident, Sayaka blamed herself for being so reckless. She promised herself not to show any weakness again, but Sae is having none of it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 09 May 2013

Sae was in a rush that evening.

 _“Sae… Sae, I need you…”_ Sayaka’s hoarse voice came from the other line. She was really worried about her special friend that even though it was an ungodly hour, she rose up from her bed and rushed towards her home.

 _“What’s wrong with you?”_ she replied when she picked up the phone but her partner just continued whispering incomprehensible cries.

She found a taxi and told him the destination. “Please go as fast as you can,” she said. The driver nodded and sped towards the apartment where her friend lived.

“Sayaka, please pick up,” she said as she attempted to call again but there was no reply. She then tried to call Ayaka. However, there was no reply but the voice mail. “Ume-chan, please go check on Sayaka. She seems to be in trouble. I’m on my way,” she said.

“What the…” the taxi driver said. The taxi tried to avoid a very large truck that did not follow the stop light, making them go around.

Sae shouted but she could not hear her own screams.

***

“Sae!” Sayaka whispered as she woke up. It was a bad dream. She fell asleep beside her bed due to exhaustion. She looked at her phone, Sae had called about twenty times last night. She closed it guiltily. “I shouldn’t have called her…” she said to herself. “I might have caused trouble.”

“Sayaka, look!” Ume said, hitting on her door urgently. The captain got out of the room and went to the living room where the TV was focused on the news.

 _“AKB48 member Miyazawa Sae is in critical condition due to a traffic accident about 2 AM this morning,”_ the newscaster said.

Sayaka placed her hand on her mouth due to shock. The tears on her eyes were already flowing uncontrollably. She remembered calling Sae the night before due to her depression and immediately concluded that Sae must have gone to her house.

“This is all my fault…” Sayaka said.

Ume, who was wearing a jacket to make her way to the hospital said, “No, Sayaka. Don’t blame yourself,” she said. “Quick, let’s go to the hospital,” she said. Sayaka nodded as she gasped for breath due to intense crying. She entered her room to change.

Ume clutched her phone tightly and looked at the closed room. She couldn’t tell Sayaka about the voice mail she had received.

The two arrived in the hospital. Some other members were already there. “How is she now?” Sayaka asked Yuko, who was standing by the hospital room door. “This is my fault!” she cried. Her exhaustion, fear, guilt and sadness took over and her knees buckled. She fainted.

***

When Sayaka woke up, Yuka was sitting beside her, the lines of worry etched on her face. “I’m so glad that you woke up…” she said.

“Sae? How is Sae?” she asked, sitting up. She felt dizzy as she did so.

“Please go back to bed, Sayaka, you’re still unwell,” her friend said.

“I… I won’t be able to forgive myself if something bad happens to Sae,” Sayaka cried. “This is all my fault…” Yuka embraced her to console her.

“Please… please don’t blame yourself…” Yuka cried too. “This is no one’s fault… Stop blaming yourself, Sayaka.”

“Sae… I want to see Sae…” she said, trying to get up.

“Sayaka, wait…!” Yuka said as she followed the other girl out of the room. She found Sae inside the ICU. She looked at her beloved friend from behind the glass and cried. She immediately approached the doctor and asked, “How is she?”

“She’s far from danger now, but we have to wait until she wakes up,” he said. He patted Sayaka’s shoulder before he left.

“We must return to your room,” Yuka said, worried about the captain’s health too. “Sae will not like it if you suddenly get sick…”

“Yes… she won’t like it,” Sayaka responded with a bitter smile. She walked slowly, still weak, to her own hospital room.

***

A few days after Sayaka’s recovery from her sickness, she went back to work and she worked harder than before, feeling that working breathlessly was her punishment for bothering and causing an accident to Sae.

But aside from that, she practically lived inside the hospital. After work, she immediately proceeded to Sae’s room, staying beside her, taking care of her.

One day, Sayaka just fell asleep on the chair beside the bed, still holding on to her script. She woke up when she heard the soft sound of plastic. She slowly raised her head. “Mariko?”

“Hi,” the taller one mouthed. She placed the small bouquet that she had brought on another table when she saw that the vase was full of fresh flowers, ones that came from Sayaka.

Mariko took a stool and sat near the team K captain. “We just finished a theater performance,” she said. She smiled sadly and said, “I did not see you for a week, except on TV. I got worried so I came.”

“Thanks. There’s no need to be worried about me.” She touched Sae’s hand lightly.

Mariko saw that and she felt sorry for her friend. “You’re as thin as a stick,” she said, holding her small wrist. “I brought some dinner. Let’s eat.”

“I… I don’t have the appetite, Mariko…”

“Shut up,” the tallest member said, playfully hitting Sayaka’s head. “Don’t make me tie you up and make you eat.” She looked at Sae. “Sae would have already done that…”

“Yes, Sae would have…”

“Now, get up and eat!” she said like a stern mother. She pulled the captain up and led her to the small table. She opened the bento boxes herself and gave the chopsticks to the thin girl. “Eat.” She watched as Sayaka slowly took food and put it in her mouth.

Mariko smiled as she started to eat too.

“Thanks for the meal,” Sayaka said.

“Hey! You barely started!”

“I can’t eat…” Sayaka admitted.

“Tell me the truth, Sayaka. Are you punishing yourself?” she asked.

Sayaka stared at the floor, letting her bangs hide the fact that she was already crying. “Everything’s my fault.”

“Goodness, you always love to blame yourself!” Mariko said, annoyed. “It’s not your fault! If we can blame anything, that would be the truck dri…”

“You don’t understand!” Sayaka said. “I made her go to my apartment! She wouldn’t have this accident if I didn’t do that!”

Mariko walked towards her and hugged her. “Sayaka…” she just said as she patted her back. Sayaka cried and cried.

“Sae doesn’t want you to be sad, you know?” she said. “If you’re like this, all of her efforts will be pointless.”

“Thank you…”

“Don’t kill yourself,” she just said before breaking her hug and smiling. “You have to sleep too. I think you have work early tomorrow. You’re going to sub for Sae, remember?”

“Okay,” she replied.

Mariko stayed until Sayaka fell asleep. She stood up to leave.

“Sae-chan, please come back soon,” she whispered. “Sayaka… she loves you very much.” She lightly patted Sae’s hand before she left the room quietly after putting a blanket over Sayaka.

The sleeping Sae shed a tear.

~*~

“You go take a rest, Sayaka,” Ume said as the two other DiVA members arrived. “You have to go home now.”

“But Sae…”

“We’ll take care of her,” Yuka said with a small smile. “Just go home and rest for now, understand?” she asked as she pushed Sayaka towards the door and gave her bag and coat. “Don’t worry, she’s in good hands.”

Sayaka was already at the elevator when she remembered that she forgot her script inside the room. She walked slowly, as she was too tired, towards Sae’s room.

“… That night, Sae actually sent me a voice mail,” Ume’s voice could be heard when she opened the sliding door a little. She stayed silent, listening. “She said, ‘please go check on Sayaka. She seems to be in trouble. I’m on my way’.”

Sayaka covered her mouth as she started to cry. _“So… it’s really my fault…”_ she thought.

“Poor Sae,” Yuka said. “What’s wrong with Sayaka that time?”

“She looked normal when she got home that evening but she asked me not to disturb her since she would be practicing,” Ume said.

“Sayaka thinks about Sae too much that she’s getting sick,” Yuka said, worried. “I think she…”

The woman in distraught ran away, crying. She went home and locked herself inside her bedroom. “I’m sorry, Sae… I’m sorry…” she said repeatedly.

***

“Where’s Sayaka?” Takamina asked as they were preparing for their song promotion. “It’s unlike her to be late.”

“I heard she burning with fever,” Yuko said.

Takamina sighed. She knew that Sae’s accident really bothered the other captain so much. “That cannot be helped, ne?” she said, hitting the rolled paper on her palm. “Anyway, we have to practice a bit, guys, before the show.

“Hai!” the other girls chorused.

“Wait! Wait!” Miichan said, breaking the crowd of girls. “I have some good news!”

“What is it?”

“Sae woke up already!” 


	2. Chapter 2

“Sae, are you okay?” Yuka, who was the one in charged when she woke up, asked.

“Ah… my head hurts,” she said with a small smile. She scanned the sea of girls around her bed but the face she wanted to see the most wasn’t there.

Yuko sensed Sae’s disappointment when her smiling face fell as her eyes searched the room. “Ne, Sae, let’s take a picture for my blog!” she said, trying to cheer her up.

“Me too…!” some of the girls chorused.

“Wait, one by one!” Yuko said loudly. “Line up so that we can take pictures of this stupid ikemen!”

Sae continuously smiled as the girls took picture with her. However, she was slightly sad. _“Where are you, Sayaka?”_ She looked at the flowers on her bedside. Even with the hundred bouquets, that vase was only filled with a single white, withering rose.

It was as if it was reserved for one person.

~*~

“Aren’t you going to visit her?” Ume asked Sayaka as the taller girl was forcing herself to look busy. She was silent and it bothered her roommate. “I… I’m going to go to the hospital. She still has to stay there for 3 days, you see.”

Sayaka stood up and looked at Ume, who tried to smile at her. The team K captain looked lifeless, only breathing, pretending to live. It scared her. “Take care,” were the only words she said. No message for Sae or anything.

When Ume left, Sayaka just let herself fall on the bed and sighed. She covered her eyes with her arm.

Does she still have tears or had she already drained them?

_“I’m sorry…”_

***

Sae laughed as she fell from the crutches. “Stupid crutches,” she said jokingly. “I can’t wait to walk properly,” she told her team k-mates.

“We can’t wait, too!” Micha said. “I’m sure Captain will be glad to have you back…”

“Captain…” Sae repeated. She suddenly felt something hurtful in her chest. She decided to ignore it as she walked, leaving the others, towards the physical therapy room.

 _“Sayaka did not even visit me once,”_ she thought to herself as she held on to the steel bars. _“Doesn’t she care for me?”_ Her loss of concentration made her fall.

“Ah, Miyazawa-san,” the therapist said, helping her up. “Just concentrate… ahh, please don’t cry…”

She wiped her tears hastily. “Ah, I’m just disappointed I cannot walk properly,” she lied.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be able to walk and dance in no time,” she replied, giving her a slight pat.

When she returned to her room, it was clean unlike earlier. The leftovers had been kept, litters of the other girls were already thrown, and there were rice cakes on the bedside table. Also, the withered roses had been replaced with fresh white ones.

 _“Sayaka is like a rose,”_ Sae remembered branding her like that. But what’s the point of thinking of Sayaka when the latter was not even bothering with her? She went to bed and started to watch the television. By chance she switched to a channel where a variety show was on and Sayaka was there, laughing.

But she noticed it.

Those lifeless eyes.

_“What was she doing?”_

~*~

“Hey, Sayaka…” Yuka greeted as she entered the empty theater. All the mirrors were facing front and she was staring at herself as the music played.

“Ah… hi,” she said.

Yuka stood beside her. “I thought this song would never be released. I’m relieved,” she said, talking about the track. “Tomorrow, Sae will be joining the practice.”

“I see…”

“You haven’t visited her ever since she woke up and you haven’t met her ever since she got out,” her friend said, looking at the lifeless girl as she just stared at no one in particular at the mirror. “Are you two okay?”

“Ah, of course. Should there be a problem?” She gasped in surprise when Yuka hugged her waist.

“Sayaka, I don’t want to see you like this,” she said with a pout. “I don’t want to see you sad.”

“Stupid,” Sayaka replied, giving a short laugh. “I’m not sad!”

“But you are!” Yuka replied. “If I know how to make you happy, I would have done it…”

Sayaka just patted her friend’s head. “Thank you,” she said. Those kinds of words were able to at least lift her spirit up. “Anyway, we have to start working.”

From the theater entrance, Sae took a peek and saw Sayaka in the flesh for the first time. She got very thin and unhealthy. She listened to her voice and even though it was still nice, it was hollow. _“What are you doing?”_ she asked to her mentally.

If they were in speaking terms, Sae would have bombarded her with angry mails that she should take care of herself. But the situation was different.

Sae hoped she would not break down in the practice the next day.

***

There was tension in the air and even the additional DiVA members noticed it. When Sayaka arrived, still wearing her face mask and glasses, Sae was talking to the choreographer and asking for instructions.

“Ah, Sayaka-chan, why don’t you teach Sae-chan the steps?” she asked.

Ume and Yuka looked at each other and then looked at the newcomer. They felt uneasy when she nodded. Everyone was silent when the two went to the back of the hall.

“Okay, everyone, from the top!” the choreographer said with a clap, making everyone focus back on their jobs.

“Ah, please follow me,” Sayaka said in a stiff and formal manner that was unlike her before. She started to give instructions without energy that it actually pissed Sae off.

“Hey!” she suddenly shouted. Sayaka just looked at her through the mirror. “If you’re not going to do this seriously, then get out of here!”

The older girl just sighed. Her chest was very heavy and she was actually feeling dizzy but she tried her best to attend the practice, dance and teach Sae. But she did agree that she was not giving it all. “I’m sorry,” she said, bowing. Luckily, she was wearing her large eyeglasses (also to hide the fact that her eyes were sore due to crying) because she was near to tears.

“Sorry? That’s all you have to say?”

“Sae, I…”

“I waited for you… I thought you’re the first person I’ll see when I wake up!” she said in frustration. “I… I thought you were busy but… are you purposely ignoring me? I was worried about you but do you even care?”

Sayaka was just silent, letting Sae’s words fill her and punish her further.

“Answer me!” she said, running towards the silent girl and grabbing her collar. “Why are you doing this, Sayaka?” upon closer view, she was shocked to see the horrible changes on Sayaka. “What… what are you doing to yourself?”

Yuka who, by chance, saw the scene from the glass door, suddenly entered the room. She pulled the two apart and pushed Sae to the floor harshly.

“What are you doing to Sayaka?” she asked angrily. “You don’t know how much she suffered waiting for you to get better!”

“Yuka, stop it!”

“Listen!” she continued, ignoring and pushing Sayaka away. “I don’t know what you’re thinking but obviously you’re angry at her.” She also started crying. “Look what you’ve done to her!”

“Please,” Sayaka pleaded. “Let’s just continue practicing…”

“No! Sayaka, you’re sick. You’re not yourself! And Sae doesn’t know anything?”

“I don’t know what?”

“Yuka…”

“She’s blaming herself for your accident!”

That was too much for Sayaka, she ran out of the dance hall. “Sayaka!” Sae said.

“No, you stay here and listen,” Yuka said, pulling her back. “Those things that you’ve told her were very harsh, don’t you see? Sayaka… she stayed by your side while you were in the hospital! She never wanted to leave your side!”

Sae remembered the soft humming in her dreams and the white flowers that were in the vase. She always felt that someone was there when she slept.

“Sayaka… did all of that?”

“Can’t you see that she’s punishing herself? Look at her now!” the girl sighed. “She thinks that your accident was her fault.”

“I never blamed her.”

“Oh, yes, you don’t!” Yuka said, rolling her eyes. “But look what you’ve done! Remember all those things you’ve said!” She ran her hands through her hair in frustration. “You just shoved her off and told her that she doesn’t care about you! You don’t know… you don’t understand what she feels for you…”

Sae, shocked and guilty, ran out of the room, determined to find Sayaka and to apologize to her.

“Sayaka! Where are you?” Sae called out, running everywhere. The building was big and there were different classes occurring in all around so it was difficult to find her.

However, when she decided to go up to the rooftop, she found Sayaka leaning on the rails and looking up, staring at the sky. It was dark, cloudy and cold.

“Sayaka…!” Sae called out by the door. The girl looked at her but turned away quickly. Sae just decided to run towards her. “Talk to me!” Sae forced her to look by grabbing her shoulders.

Sayaka’s shape was pretty bad and her eyes were really red from crying. “What…?”

“I never blamed you, Sayaka! Everything was an accident!” Sae said softly. “Don’t hurt yourself, please.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Sayaka replied. “It’s more than that. If… if I hadn’t been selfish…”

“You’re not selfish,” Sae said, shaking her head. “You always think of other people first. How can you say that?” she said with a sad smile.

Sayaka tried to get away from Sae and to keep everything to herself. However, she was pulled back. “Tell me, Sayaka… Why did you call me that night?” Sae asked, hugging her from the back. “Why did you need me? Do you still need me as badly now?”

The older girl just looked down, unsure whether to answer or not. She needed Sae so badly but her feelings were difficult to understand, unacceptable. Maybe Sae would hate her if she revealed her feelings. But if she kept on being silent, then they would still be together.

But at this rate, whether she would say it or not, she would lose.

“I… I’m okay…”

“How can you be okay?” Sae’s muffled voice came. “Even though you look so strong, your heart is weak. Do you want to die of heartbreak?”

_“I’m already dying, Sae…”_

“Hey, talk!” Sae nagged, tightening the hug. “Sayaka, I missed you,” she admitted. The latter felt her back getting wet due to tears. “I was afraid when I woke up. I was thinking, ‘How was Sayaka? Does she need me?’ I even forgot that I was the one in the hospital.

“You didn’t visit me in the hospital and you didn’t even call or mail me. I was so worried about you. I guess I was the one who is selfish. I should have understood you. I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

“Sae,” Sayaka held her friend’s hands. “You are, after all, the most important person for me…”

“Really?” Sae asked with a small laugh. “You are very important for me too.”

“You don’t understand how I feel,” Sayaka said curtly. “It’s different… it’s not good…”

Sae’s eyes widened. _“Could it be…?”_ she thought. She had also hidden her feelings for a very long time. She also thought her feelings were different and bad…”

Sae broke the hug and went in front of Sayaka. “Then tell me what you feel,” she said with a small smile.

Sayaka shook her head, looking at the ground.

“Come on,” Sae said gently. “Please, tell me, Sayaka.” She tried to smile while crying.

“But…”

 _“She’s becoming a coward again,”_ Sae thought. She took a deep breath. “Sayaka, if you think you’re the only one hiding something…” She placed her hands on the other’s shoulders. “I am also hiding the things that I feel for the longest time. I thought it was different, I thought it was not good.”

The captain raised her head and looked at Sae with wide eyes.

“I thought you’ll be mad or you’ll wave it off as a joke. Thinking about those things scared me so I decided to hide because I don’t want to be hurt.”

_“I don’t want to be hurt too…”_

“Please don’t be angry about what I feel, Sayaka…”

The taller girl thought she would have a heart attack. Sae suddenly kissed her.

 _“Does she… feel the same?”_ The storm of feelings just went through Sayaka as she melted into the kiss.

When Sae ended it, she saw Sayaka crying as she touched her lips. She shyly looked down and said, “I’m sorry.” She was surprised when Sayaka embraced her.

“Sae… I hid my feelings for a very long time… I wanted to avoid you because I want to erase them.”

“Stupid, you can’t erase feelings…”

She trembled. “I love you, Sae… I love you…” It’s difficult to voice out feelings. But once you started saying them, they would eventually flow uncontrollably. “I need you by my side…”

“I love you too, Sayaka…” Sae said with a smile. “I’m happy that we feel the same.” She took her handkerchief and wiped her partner’s tears. “Don’t cry anymore, okay?”

“Yes…” the other replied, taking the hanky and wiping her own tears. “I look stupid crying.”

“No, you don’t! You look beautiful… but that doesn’t mean that you should always cry,” Sae quickly added. “You’re just beautiful always.” She looked at Sayaka’s eyes and even with those tears, she saw that she was suddenly alive.

“Let’s go back now.”

“Eh? Why don’t we go out and celebrate? You’re officially my girlfriend now!” Sae went back to her old genki self.

“What? I didn’t say anything like that,” Sayaka retorted. “Geez.”

Sae just giggled as she held Sayaka’s hand tightly as they walked inside.

Even the sky became bright and sunny, celebrating with them. 

**Author's Note:**

> I now that I kinda use the car accident thing a lot. Sorry about that.


End file.
